I keep having dreams about my ex, Sarah. Sometimes the dreams are intimate and I wake up horny but mostly the dreams consist of us reuniting, or relayed memories of our time together, and I wake up missing her. I remember all the good things about her like how soft her body was, and how warm and wet it was between her legs, and how she gave the best back rubs while we watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. She used to wake me up with kisses and cook me breakfast after coming home from a morning shift at work. She would say things like ‘cheese and rice’ instead of Jesus Christ. She was so cute. Sometimes I come to my senses and remember that it wasn’t perfect. We had to keep it secret. Her parents were not supportive of her being in a same sex relationship, and my parents would not have approved of me (18) being in a relationship with a 23 year old. Especially while I was still in school. If I was having a bad day at school she would pick me up and we would spend the afternoon together in her bedroom making out, or lazily giving and receiving oral, falling asleep between each other’s legs until I would get a call from my mother asking why I’m not home from school yet… Most weekends I would go to hers and tell my parents I was having a sleepover with my friend. If I was ever sad, Sarah would drop everything and offer to pick me up or smoke together. I snuck out so often to be with her. She gave me a chance to be dominant, to nuzzle my face into every one of her crevices with all of my strength even though I knew that most people in town would have been disgusted by our love. Maybe that’s what I miss about her. I broke so many precious rules with her. It scared me and we broke up due to my own lack of maturity. I made her feel responsible for it too. I regret leaving her so badly. We are 2 years older now, so I know I’m better equipped to handle such an adult relationship now, but she has a new girlfriend, and I’m in a committed relationship with a man now too, so we’ve both chosen our separate paths, although I know for certain nobody will ever make me feel quite so alive as she did.

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