im very mentally ill. my dad was sexual, emotionally and physically abusive, my mom was always on drugs and very forgetful and when she wasnt she was nasty and cruel. she died in 2020 and i left my dad 2 years ago. ive self harmed on and off since i was 11, and its been getting worse. i have bad thoughts all the time. i always wanna hurt myself. i love the feeling of it. dragging my knife, the blood pooling out against the tissue which soaks it so much it can feel it against my skin, the stinging pain and the itchy scabbing that follows. but more than that i think i have a kink for blood. and not just blood, self harm and gore. body parts, decapitations, huge gashes in peoples arms and stomachs. at first i just liked shocking myself but as i got older i sort of started to think about it more and more. ive only ever told one person, some 31 year old guy i was talking to. i romanticize my own death, my suicide. i cant wait to kill myself and itll be glorious. i feel like since my life has been so shit up to this point i just want to throw it all away, do worse drugs than pot- ive already gotten high of benadryl and cough syrup. i want to be a failure. the worst fuckup this family has ever seen because thats all i feel i can be. and with all these terrible thoughts i just dont know what to do anymore. i just want to gash myself to death, slit my wrists, jump off a bridge, shoot myself, drink a chemical cocktail. it would be so fun. i feel like i dont have the ability to not be just like everyone before me. at my core im sick, twisted, i get off to dead people and blood and guts and pain and torture, and on top of it all i dont know how to handle my emotions. im supposed to graduate highschool in december. im 16,
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hi,well, i don’t know if something happened at the time im writing this or even if you will be able to recieve a notification or something that shows you my comment but in either case i guess its worth a try, well, its pretty undestandfull de mental illness you have went through a lot, maybe still you are, and probably what im going to say is something very repetitive, but probably its repetitive because it can help, but, you can be more,be the person that maybe you need them to be,i know,life can get very very difficult in many ways and leave us a lot of marks, from physical to mental, you can be better, be better than them, i dont mean by maybe being someone that has his big company,earns a lot of money or something of that style, i mean by being a better person than they ever were, take the decisions that they werent capable of, like they say,not all the heroes have a cap, or a uniform, from were i come its something like that,meaning that you dont need a suit or superpowers to be a hero, just by taking good decisions you can be a hero, and could make your family very proud of you, watching you become a better person is something that lacks in this days and its the kind of people this world needs. Probably when you read this you think i might be stupid and i dont blame you maybe i can be to you someone that thinks that life is bad but it can change, and well, in part im giving you the reasons to make you think that, but that aint totally true, im actually mentally ill now, im hallfway through schizophrenia, im already having some sympthoms, this because of things that i went through thanks to my mom and dad, and well, after everything they put me through i also thought that life was garbage,(before i continue i would like to say that im not going to say the typical:”I was like you but then this, that and bla bla bla”),an i actually still think that it is, but i think that just because the world we live on is the exact definition of shit with all kinds of people that are shit, we don’t need to be like them,we can at least try and help others and maybe try to be a good person, to try to help others at least a little bit if they are having a bad day.I normally could try continue saying other things but i already got frozen with what i was saying, my mind blocked, i dont know if the page will register my email address or if it will gie you a way to contact me, if you would maybe like to express how you feel or maybe talk, i could wait your reply, maybe it can help you a little bit to let that weight of your chest that was stuck their probably a lot of time, maybe a way to let all that pain of your system. Sorry if my grammar isn’t that good, english was my second language.And if you dont want to reply its perfectly understanable, if my reply didnt help im sorry, i tried the best i could to maybe help some way, and in case you might think, this isn’t me with pity talking, it’s empathy, that kind of pain should be horrible, i can’t even start to imagine how hard it is to carry it every day, thats why im trying to offer my help to at least talk and maybe at least get the weight of your chest. If the webpage doesn’t show my email adress or a way to contact me, and if this could possibly mean the last time i can send you a message, i think the best think i can tell right now is that you can be better, by becoming a better person than many people are,by how you act, by how you canhelp others,by becoming a good person, that isnt selfish,someone that cares about others.You can be the person that they never could have been.