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im very mentally ill. my dad was sexual, emotionally and physically abusive, my mom was always on drugs and very forgetful and when she wasnt she was nasty and cruel. she died in 2020 and i left my dad 2 years ago. ive self harmed on and off since i was 11, and its been getting worse. i have bad thoughts all the time. i always wanna hurt myself. i love the feeling of it. dragging my knife, the blood pooling out against the tissue which soaks it so much it can feel it against my skin, the stinging pain and the itchy scabbing that follows. but more than that i think i have a kink for blood. and not just blood, self harm and gore. body parts, decapitations, huge gashes in peoples arms and stomachs. at first i just liked shocking myself but as i got older i sort of started to think about it more and more. ive only ever told one person, some 31 year old guy i was talking to. i romanticize my own death, my suicide. i cant wait to kill myself and itll be glorious. i feel like since my life has been so shit up to this point i just want to throw it all away, do worse drugs than pot- ive already gotten high of benadryl and cough syrup. i want to be a failure. the worst fuckup this family has ever seen because thats all i feel i can be. and with all these terrible thoughts i just dont know what to do anymore. i just want to gash myself to death, slit my wrists, jump off a bridge, shoot myself, drink a chemical cocktail. it would be so fun. i feel like i dont have the ability to not be just like everyone before me. at my core im sick, twisted, i get off to dead people and blood and guts and pain and torture, and on top of it all i dont know how to handle my emotions. im supposed to graduate highschool in december. im 16,

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