I’m hurt. I’m so deeply hurt that we are over. I’m so scared I will never find someone like you again. I’m so sad you won’t be in my life anymore. With all of that being said, you, however, destroyed me.
When we first met there was an undeniable connection between us (or so you convinced me there was). There was a big age gap between us too. I had so many life-skills to learn still. I didn’t have the same skills that you had. I also grew up in a home of privilege where you weren’t. There were many things I did that annoyed you. Due to childhood trauma, I was avoidant and would shut down or run away from conflict or I would get triggered if I was pushed when I shut down.
You, however, pointed all my faults out. I went to get help and improved my communication methods. I no longer just ran away. I started researching the skills I needed and started implementing them in my daily life. I was becoming the person you needed me to be.
It was, however, too late. You absolutely hated me by the time I started getting everything right. We fought and said nasty things before this but I was now who you needed me to be.
I was also now attached. And you were my priority in everything I did.
While I tried to make you happy you broke me down. You destroyed every single part of me. You criticised my looks. You criticised my intelligence. You criticised every aspect of my personality. You criticised my work ethic. Every single part of me was torn apart by you. You told me daily how you could get better than me and gave 100’s of examples of this. You would break me down so much that I would have to get on my knees and beg you to see my worth and keep me.
This broke me. My mind kept telling me to get up and stop but my body couldn’t. I just wanted you to see how much I was doing for you. I just wanted you to see that I was worthy. I just wanted to be enough!
You were in the top 1% with your earnings. You were 20 years older than me. You held it over my head that I didn’t contribute as much as you did. How could I though?
I was still a student while you had over 20 years work experience. I had two jobs, starting my first job at 06:30 all while studying my degree. I then got a third job trying to contribute as much as possible. I was sleeping for on average 4 hours trying to contribute as much as I could. There were 3 weeks where I slept for only 2 hours each night. You heard my psychologist tell me to stop. You heard my GP tell me stop. They said I was going to be hospitalised if I continue this way. It was too much for one person.
During all of this, I made you all your meals. I did all the cleaning after meals. I did your ironing and washing. I did all errands. I walked your dog. I drove you everywhere. I managed your appointments. I would run to 10 stores to try find what you would ask me to but this was always thrown back in my face. “Your contribution is not the same. I don’t need you. Everything you contribute I can do myself or pay someone to do so it’s not the same”.
I was exhausted. My body was exhausted. I suffered from IBS from stress and I was physically sick as it was just too much for me. My body was giving up as it was so exhausted.
I put you above my jobs. I put you above my degree. I put you above me. I was struggling with my health and mental health. I was struggling to hold on. I would cry when I was alone. I became numb to the things you would say to me. I stopped feeling.
I just kept trying and trying and it never made you happy. I just couldn’t be enough. I was tired in my jobs and felt I wasn’t good enough because I was tired. I was failing some courses and didn’t feel good enough at uni. I could never make you happy and I didn’t feel good enough for you. Everything I was doing I felt unworthy and incapable.
When you finally threw me away. You reached out to everyone (my family, my psychologist) to make me seem crazy. You made me scared to go back to my psychologist. You made me scared to see my family again because I was embarrassed. You made me physically sick from the trauma of this all.
When you messaged me two weeks later; when I saw your name on my phone I started shaking and just vomited. I was so scared to see what you had to say to me.
Even through all of this though, I can’t help but see your good. See how funny you are. I can’t help but see how smart and successful you are. I can’t help but see how much you made me grow (the new skills I developed, making me face my anxiety, etc ). I can’t let go of you and it’s been months.
I’m absolutely broken. I know full well I didn’t deserve the things you said to me on a daily basis but I can understand that you just hated me by the time I could be the person you needed me to be. I had anxiety and I was negative which is difficult to deal with. I didn’t communicate properly (I would shut down or get triggered). I also didn’t have great cleaning skills because I always had people clean for m.
I understand why you hated me. I was difficult to deal with in the beginning. I had a lot I needed to learn. I had problems I needed to work through.
Even though I was difficult I didn’t deserve every aspect of me being criticised and broken down on a daily basis. I didn’t deserve to be compared to other women (even prostitutes that you’ve been with). I didn’t deserve any of that.
I have not told a single person, however, what you’ve said or done to me. I haven’t even told my psychologist. While you said I played the victim card while trying to convince me I’m a narcissist, psychopath, etc. when I asked two different psychologists and I was told no by them you convinced me they saying that because they get paid to tell you exactly what you want to hear. You told me it’s because I was playing the victim as well but what you don’t know is that I haven’t even told them the things you’ve said to me. The boundaries of mine you didn’t listen to. I haven’t told them anything about you. The sessions were always about me. I wanted to be better. I wanted to know if something was wrong with me as I never want to hurt anyone.
I refuse to say anything badly about you to anyone. I refuse to ruin your reputation.
There is also a part of me that doesn’t want to tell anyone because I’m secretly hoping you’d come back to me. I’m hoping you’ll come back and tell me that I am worth it. That I do add value and that none of the things you said to me on a daily basis were true.
I just needed to say this somewhere because I’m struggling. I’m really struggling and I don’t have anyone to speak to about this. I don’t have anyone to hear the words that were said to me by you. I don’t have anyone to turn to because I’m still in love with you and I still want you. I just know we are meant to be. We just met at the wrong time. If we met after I learnt the skills I needed to, none of this would’ve happened.